oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
