I just pynch a tree in the face
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
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