Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
