Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
