The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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