The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
