Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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