get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
