Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
A+ Viking dick
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
