He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
