I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
