tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just found a bag of teeth...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
