saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
