Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I touched a dick in church today
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
