just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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