Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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