i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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