in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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