I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Sorry my hands just texted you
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
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