dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
