The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
