i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
