Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
