remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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