My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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