So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
