dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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