we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
