you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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