My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
