so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
