so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
