I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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