i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
