I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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