so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
