He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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