the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
