My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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