I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
