We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
