Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
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