fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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