i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
