I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
