Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
