The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
