how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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