Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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