I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
